Monster
by I-am-L
Summary: Remus' view of his lycanthropy. "The secret side of me, I never let you see  I keep it caged but I can't control it  So stay away from me, the beast is ugly  I feel the rage and I just can't hold it"


hi! i've been wanting to write a story like this for a long time ago but i never foun the inspiration to do it, until a few night away when my dearest friend asked me about.. well... my own monster. almost inmediately this story came to my mind. This story is very special for me beacuse i was kinda writting about my own monster and turned it into moony as i kinda used Remus to speak of myself...  
>I used the song "Monster" by skillet to get further inspiration and that's why i wrote bits of it throughout the story.<br>anyways... i hope you enjoy reading it.  
><em>Disclaimer: i don't own anything but the madness written in here...<em>

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><p><strong>Monster<strong>

_The secret side of me, I never let you see, I keep it caged but I can't control it._

I am sitting naked on the Shrieking Shack's floor. I'm shivering, scared, and alone. I shiver not I'm cold, even though it's an icy cold night. No, the true reason of my tremors is that I'm afraid, I'm scared to death because I know that in any moment I will lose control, I will stop being myself and I will become _it. _  
><em>"Why…?" I ask myself "Oh, Merlin… Why must I go through this again? Why me? Why can't I make it stop….?"<em> Tears start forming in my eyes, but I blink them away 'cause I know I must be relatively calmed or the effects the monster will have on my will be much worse. It's no use, anyway, because I realize my breathing suddenly turns into almost-sobbing sharp breaths. I can't remain "calmed", not any more… I feel the urge to cry my heart out. I do and my tears start flowing endlessly, but as I cry, I want –no, I need- someone to hug me, someone to hold me tightly and whisper everything will be okay. For a second, I wish Sirius could be here with me, but I dismiss such a dumb idea; I know perfectly well that he can't, no one cans. I'm fated to be alone with my curse forever, I will never be able to have a normal life nor… _Ahhh! _I am not able to finish sorting out my thoughts. My mind goes blank and my eyesight is blurred as an excruciating burning pain shoots down my spine. I scream out in agony, shedding my last tears. "Fuck… here I go again…" That's my last thought before losing consciousness.

_Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end? I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin. I must confess that I feel like a monster_

I wake up several hours later as I feel the sunlight that leaks through the cracks of the Shack's roof caressing my body. Almost instantly I feel a sharp pain that comes from my right thigh. I bite back tears as I sit up to take a better look at my leg. I just sigh as I watch my brand new pretty gashes and, with all the softness in the world, trace them slowly with my finger, trying to inspect how bad they are. They are quite deep; in the Muggle world they would definitely need stitches… I just stare at them with a morbidly creepy awe; I can't believe I did that to myself.  
>I snap back to reality when I notice one of them is still bleeding quite a bit. I don't have my wand by my side, so I can't charm my leg back into health, so –in order to stop the bleeding- I apply pressure on it with a random piece of cloth I find laying close to me. I start tending my wound right away. A sad smile comes to my lips when I realize that the blood-dyed cloth pressed to my leg used to be the cool jacket Sirius gave me on Christmas. Well... it seems <em>it <em>found it and shred it to pieces.  
>When the wound on my leg is under control, I continue to examine myself. After a while, I notice that last night was a pretty good night: the only serious wounds I've got are those gashes on my leg. Of course, there's a lot of bruising and many bearable cuts in my arms, legs and torso, but there are no broken bones, no bites marks and no missing anything.<br>I sigh in relief as I lay down again for I don't feel strong enough to stand up yet, and they're still a couple hours until Madame Pomfrey comes to take me to the Hospital Wing. As I'm lying down, my thoughts start coming back to me _"Well… one night down, still an awful lot to go…"_

_My secret side I keep hid under lock and key, I keep it caged but I can't control it. 'Cause if I let him out he'll tear me up, break me down._

Even though it is true that the full moon nights are horrible, they are nothing compared to the morning after them. Since the moment I regain consciousness I start feeling guilty. I knew that _I_ had done nothing wrong, it was _it, _the monster, who destroyed half the Shack; It was _the monster_ who was dangerous; and it had been _the monster_ the one who hurt my body… But, yet again, _I_ was that monster… I knew it wasn't my fault being… _sick, _and that I had no control over whatever _the monster _did, but I couldn't help feeling so guilty for even being alive while knowing that a monster lives inside my pail and innocent human body.  
>Leaving aside the physical consequences, the scars, the pain and the blood loss, I bet no one knows the effects being a monster has on someone's mind. Transforming into <em>it<em> only happens once a month, but dealing with the emotional wreckage I was, was something I must do every single day of my life. There was always something inside of me that made me hurt, something that made me feel depressed, lonely, worthless, unloved and –of course- a freak. No friends, chocolate nor charm could make it go away. Sure, when I am with the Marauders, especially when I'm with Sirius, the pain is almost gone, but it is always there, hiding somewhere, and when I'm alone it comes back again. It never leaves me alone… Before I can even notice, I'm sobbing loudly.

_It's hiding in the dark, its teeth are razor sharp. There's no escape for me, it wants my soul, it wants my heart._

Time elapses and Madam Pomfrey eventually comes to see if I'm okay. She helps me stand up and wraps an arm around my waist to help me support my weight and we walk together back to the castle and directly into the Hospital Wing, trying not to draw a lot of attention to me.  
>The matron tended my wounds, gave me potions to help me make the pain bearable, and made me drank some sort of tea that made me fall completely asleep into a much needed, nightmare-less sleep.<br>I wake up Merlin knows how many hours later. My whole body aches still, but pain is a thousand times more bearable than when I woke up in the Shack this morning. I am not really in the mood to be awake, so I decide to keep my eyes closed and try to drift back to sleep. I start relaxing more and more, hoping to be able to rest again, but then I hear someone breathing beside me. The breathing was too close for it to belong to someone in the next bed. I decide to open my eyes and ask the school's nurse –because I assumed it was her- what time was it.

-"Oh, thanks Merlin you woke up, Remmy…" Sirius' voice sounds worried.

_No one can hear me scream, maybe it's just a dream, Maybe it's inside of me, stop this monster!_

"_Sirius… Wait… What is he doing in here?" _I start to panic. No one is supposed to know about this, no one could ever found out I was …_sick_. I can't think straight, I'm really scared of losing my best friend as soon as he finds out what happened to me. Tears start forming in my eyes. As soon as he knows it, he'll leave, the Marauders will leave, the whole school will know I'm a monster, my life will be ruined…

-"whoa… Remmy, calm down… it's just me, Sirius…" he whispered while moving closer. I just stare blankly into nowhere, trying to fight back the tears that are threatening to spill out. He rests his hand carefully on my arm and looks at me with tenderness.

-"Just… go… please… go…" I stammer, not being able to restrain my tears.

-"Shh… I won't go, Remmy… I can't…" he says almost pleading for me to let him stay there.

"_Of course you can leave, you will eventually when you find out what happened to me…"_ I know I will not be able to get rid of him in any possible way. My panic only grows bigger every minute because I know that he'll ask what happened to me and I won't be able to tell him something coherent –lying has never been my thing-, then he will star theorizing and eventually will find out, feel disgust, fear or maybe both towards me and leave for ever along with everyone else.

-"Remus, please, calm down…" he says starting to freak out too. There is deep concern in his eyes as he puts his hand on top of mine "please… I just want to know you're okay…"

-"I'm fine…" I mutter as I try to stop crying.

-"Liar… You're not…" he lets out a soft laugh and I smile "please, Remmy... tell me what's wrong…"

I just start sobbing as tears stream down. What will I say? How can I try to conceal what really happens? I can't... I don't know how. I can't control myself, I just cry my eyes out while Sirius holds my hand softly, I can tell he's scared to death but tries to play strong and help me out by whispering "_it's okay…"_ over and over again. I wish I could tell him that it's not okay and it's never going to be okay.

_I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun. I must confess that I feel like a monster_

Eventually, I stop crying and smile weakly at him. He just shakes his head no and sighs softly. He says nothing, not wanting to upset me again; he just stares into my eyes as if trying to see my thoughts through them.

-"I'm fine, Sirius… I swear I am…" I whisper.

-"You don't look fine, Remmy…" he says calmly tracing my bruised body with his eyes.

-"I've seen much worse many times…" I say without thinking.

-"You've been… worse… many times…?" he repeats slowly. "Oh Merlin… Why Remus… ?Please, we're best friends, you can tell me anything…"

-"I can't… I can't tell, really I can't." I say trying to stay calmed.

-"Why not?"

-"You wouldn't understand… no one understands…" I say almost in a whisper.

-"Try me." He says in his usual 'i-am-this-world's-god´ voice. I shake my head no. "Please… Do so."

-"I… I'm…. kind of… well…" I start crying again, hopping he will stop pushing me to say it.

-"Kind of….?" He says expectantly.

-"Kind of… no… I can't…"

-"You can."

-"No…"

-"For fuck's sake! You can and you'll tell me what's going on with you!" he said reaching the edge of his patience

-"I am.. I'm… well…" I try harder.

-"Damn it… say a whole fucking sentence…"

-"I'm done.. I'm a fucking monster… done! You're happy now, huh?" I scream, crying again as I realize I've just thrown my whole life down the drain. Now I'll have to leave Hogwarts, maybe even leave England.

-"What did you say?" he asked calmly, leaning in closer.

-"I'm a fucking monster, that's it…"

-"Don't you ever dare to call yourself that ever again!" he lost his temper once again "One thing is that some fucking werewolf idiot infected you with lycanthropy and another thing is you calling yourself a monster!"

The color drains from my face and my mouth hangs open as I hear him say the word I feared so much. _Werewolf_. My heart skips a bit and I hold my breath for a moment.

-"You knew…" I can't believe any of these."How did you…?"

-"I'm not as stupid as I look …. And you're not that good in lying" he says smiling "I just want be sure you're okay, that _Moony _didn't hurt you and help you out…"

-"_Moony?" _I ask with a small smile.

-"Yup… It has a name now. Inside you there's sometimes _Moony, _but no_ monster…" _he says, making me feel happy, cared for and wanted for the first time in a very long time. "And I will never let Moony hurt you so badly again…"

I sigh content, looking into Sirius' eyes before whispering:

-_"_thank you_." _

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><p>so... what d'ya think?<p> 


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